Sexism – It’s so easy even a man can do it
There’s nothing I find quite so frustrating as sexism. It’s toxic and hurts our society, men and women both.
This article isn’t about the every day sexism that women suffer, the kind that we’re all in agreement is abhorrent, outdated and unacceptable. This article is about the kind of sexism that is still acceptable to our society and happens in advertising (I’m looking at you Boots the Chemist and every washing powder ad you’ve ever seen), is joked about around the dinner table and is sometimes encouraged by the most independent women I’ve met.
The sexism I’m talking about is this idea that men are useless creatures who are incapable of coping with a cold/looking after the children/doing the house work. Over Christmas, I heard the phrase “men are useless” bandied around time and again and it really upset me. The problem is, this attitude means that:
- Men won’t help with childcare and housework if they’re made to feel like they’re useless at it.
- It keeps these responsibilities firmly with the women, which is fine if that’s the role you’ve chosen to fulfil but damaging if it’s one you’re forced into because well… your man’s useless at it right?
- It reinforces every stereotype about women we as feminists fight against every day
- Men are NEVER going to get on board with feminism and equal familial roles if they feel belittled and excluded (and why should they!?)
Some of you may be reading this and thinking it doesn’t apply to you and that’s great. To be honest, I’m lucky enough that it doesn’t apply to me either. My husband is a much better feminist than me and definitely wouldn’t sit back and listen to tired stereotypes of how useless he must be at cleaning.
But ask yourself – does it apply to any of your friends or family? Call them out! Doing something for your husband or partner because “he’s useless” or because it’s just quicker for you/you’re better at it, is telling him he’s incompetent. No one likes to be made to feel incompetent and the chances are if you make someone feel that way, they won’t help you with that task again in the future. Everybody loses in this situation.
Keeping men out of the conversation keeps us unequal, infantilising them in advertising and “girly conversations” with our friends, keeps us unequal, doing all the household duties and complaining the men in our lives don’t help us, keeps us unequal. It’s offensive to men and women equally and might feel like a bit of a “girls are just better” giggle but is truly emphasising every stereotype you’ve ever fought against.
PS: If this annoys you too, The Good Men Project is a great website to spend some time on
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YES. This really frustrates me. I also find it infuriating when mothers think it’s fair game to slag off fathers on Facebook, but mothers are completely exempt from any criticism. Can you imagine what would happen if the tables were turned? Perhaps the biggest issue here is a lack of respect all round?
Completely agree, we should all respect each other regardless of gender. The father thing is such a bug bear of mine – how do you expect to get “hands on” help from your partner if you criticise / take over?
Up until about two years ago, I was fairly happy with my lot – I struggled against the expectations of my gender but thought I was fairly OK when it came to equality. A little knowledge can indeed be a powerful thing, and I’ve developed a far greater awareness of these issues, and I try to make sure my own behaviour reflects this. As far as this “second sexism” goes, I completely agree with everything said in the article above – in my last relationship, my partner did the cooking, because I work shifts, and also I don’t really enjoy cooking, and he did. I remember I once mentioned this in passing to a female colleague, who was visibly shocked and actually asked “how do you get away with that, what are you like!” I was amazed, but as time has passed, I’ve noticed it more and more. I was recently at a family dinner and there was not enough pudding for everyone – me and my sister were told that “us girls” could have fruit, “because the blokes will want the pudding” – without any of us actually being asked. It also has more serious consequences though – I recently worked with a male nursing student who had worked as a qualified midwife in Africa, but told me that he was not accepted by most women in the UK on the basis that “they didn’t think I could possibly know what I was doing”. This would be unacceptable if we said this to a woman.
I’ve actually been thinking about this issue a lot recently, and wonder if by labelling myself as a feminist, I project this idea that I consider men as less equal than women. This certainly isn’t the case – I consider both as equals and am equally as pissed off that men are discriminated against at times – for example in parenting.
I could literally think and writ about this for hours though…
Ha! I know what you mean, once you get started on something like this it’s very difficult to finish
For me, I just don’t know how you can expect women to be treated with respect in traditional “male roles” if the reverse isn’t also true. I teach at a college and if I treated my students like they needed to be spoon fed in order to pass, that’s what they would expect of themselves. We shouldn’t be giving anyone expectations to live down to, regardless of gender.
I totally agree with you about Feminism. I am a feminist and I believe in equality – for everyone! Yes, there is further to go for women to be on an equal footing (especially in the developing world) but setting genders against each other isn’t helping anyone.
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