There’s no shame in needing to cry
We tell people getting emotional after a break up (or any other sort of shitty situation) to man up and shut up. We say that it’s ok to be sad – just don’t be sad near me. It’s fine as long as I don’t have to deal with someone else’s life. But maybe they are not the ones in the wrong.
It’s okay to be a sobbing mess. Just because you might not have mattered to that person, it doesn’t mean you have to shut down and say they didn’t matter. Grieving is all part of healing. Go cry in a corner. Go crazy for a while. It gives a fantastic perspective on life. Mainly because you can see someone else in pain and empathise. Instead of going to that nasty “oh get over it away from me” place you pause, think a second and say “we’ve all been there – feel free to take a moment”.
I just think the world would be a lot nicer if people were a bit more understanding. And what’s truly tragic about this simple statement is that it is having to be made. There are several statements that have to be made still today and it staggers me that they do. It’s the same with racism, sexism and homophobia. Because for some odd reason – these awful things still happen.
Telling someone how they should act is never a good thing, and that doesn’t change because they’ve just got out of a relatonship. There is no rule that tells you how to cope with losing something that was important to you. If you think you have some sort of right to tell others how they should live, feel or act – well you’re wrong. You are not Queen of the God damn universe (or King- or how ever you want to identify), and just because you might think showing emotion is bad – it doesn’t mean it is.
Maybe crying on streets isn’t good or getting emotional over potatoes’ in Sainsbury’s isn’t awesome, but we have all done it at one time or another for whatever reasons (during exams, friends and I definitely exchange stories where we had cried at yogurt or cheese in the shop because of exam stress. This is perfectly acceptable. Most importantly it was hilarious).
Do whatever you feel you need to do, as long as it doesn’t affect your health or harm someone else (for example, knifing your lying, cheating ex). Also, try to avoid harming yourself. Despite how you feel now, downing that bottle of vodka isn’t going to make anything better. After one bad break up I drank a bottle of wine, listened to Kate Bush on repeat and ate ice cream. Not my finest moment. Downing alcohol to ease pain is something you should NEVER DO. All it does is delay pain, and frankly, sometimes it doesn’t even do that. More often than not it magnifies that gnawing emptiness. (But if and when you do drown your misery in drink, always do it near friends who will look after you and not judge you for your mistakes. And will also hug you until it stops hurting).
How do you get over a particularly bad break up? Who knows. The only cure seems to be to wait until it stops hurting. They say time is a great healer, and it’s true. Everything fades in time. It might not feel like that now, but it will. Don’t be afraid or ashamed that someone hurt you. It’s definitely not something to be ashamed of.
So remember – someone in pain is not something to ridicule or mock. It takes nothing to comfort someone. It will cost you nothing for only for 5 minutes of your life, to be a good person. You can spend the rest of your life being the soulless arsehole you might be normally, but if someone ever comes to you hurting, please do the honourable thing. You don’t have to give advice if you’re unsure of what to say. All you have to do is listen to them and let them know they are not alone. Because one day you might need someone to listen to you. And it might be a shock to find that no one wants to listen to the person who has been a dick.
I’m actually the opposite. I very, very rarely cry. And if I do, it’s never in public. I don’t judge those that do, but I do get judged for not crying at the drop of a hat. People often assume that unless you cry, you don’t care. which is utter crap. So perhaps it’s about being more understanding of how everyone deals with things, and like you said – being there for them.
Absolutely! There is no shame is not crying either (And hope you’ve not read this thinking that only crying is the right way to act). My point is that it doesn’t matter how you deal with an emotional situation. The point is that not to judge someone else for how they react to their own personal problems.
I tend not to cry in public. But we’re a repressed society that think emotions are weakness.
Excellent post – absolutely excellent.
This is something I say to my friends and loved ones all the time. “Feel the feelings” the only way of dealing with them is by letting them run their course.
And as friends the best thing we can do is BE there when our friends need to let it out. Either with a hug and a box of tissues, or by dragging them out on the dance floor to remind them how awesome they are.
Everything does get better with time. We just need to get through it one day at a time in any way we can.
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