The trouble with hen dos
So, one of the inevitable things people ask me about when it comes to wedding planning is what I’m doing for my hen do. Will I spend an exciting weekend in London, go for a week away with the girls or go crazy in Brighton?
Probably not. I hate clubbing at the best of times. Add a penis hat and a game of “Have You Ever” and you’ve created my own personal hell. Why give people an (extra) excuse to call me a d*ckhead?
OK, so that might sound a bit extreme, but the new wave of hen dos leave me feeling a little cold. My favourite hen do so far was with my oldest friend. We did afternoon tea, a meal out, cocktails then back to hers for chick flicks and popcorn. Her wedding was one of my favourites too – sweet, romantic and simple.
For me, it comes down to this. Getting married might be exciting to me and my nearest and dearest. But do they really want to spend £200+ on a weekend of enforced fun to celebrate the fact that my other half liked it and put a ring on it?
Honestly, probably not. And I’m ok with that.
This year, I’m going to four hen dos. As a result, I’m not going on holiday as I just can’t afford it. I’m sure I’m not the only one – most of my friends and family either have big mortgages, children or shaky job situations. And yet the prices of hen dos keep rising.
In all honesty, the bride is often ignorant to what’s happening and how much is being spent. It’s often the chief organiser that has great intentions, but no real understanding of how not everyone has an endless supply of spending money.
I also can’t help thinking that hen dos have got bigger and bigger over the years, and seem to now be a huge event to demonstrate just how much people like the bride-to-be. There’s a smidgen of emotional blackmail in there – if you don’t celebrate in a big way, you’re a ‘bad friend’, regardless of your own circumstances.
Oh, and if you’re single? It’s even more of a kick in the teeth. Hurrah, let’s spend a month’s rent because someone else is getting hitched.
I did a little shout out on Twitter to see what people thought about hen dos. One tweeter reported that a friend was having FOUR hen dos. FOUR! Another tweeter told me about a hen do where the first part involved a small injection – Botox.
Really? The best way to celebrate someone getting married is to inject poison into your face? (Actually, ask me that again when I’m 40).
Others reported of drunken accidents, people falling out with each other and embarrassing incidents. The general consensus seems to be that the best ones most people have been on, have been at the lower end of the budget with an emphasis on catching up with friends and something a little more creative.
So, what am I doing for a hen do? I’m doing something silly, local and cheap during the day, with a crafty edge. Then having everyone back for a takeaway, some movies and some board games. Drama free. Call me boring, but that sounds like the perfect night for me. And isn’t that what your hen do is all about? Getting together with your favourite females and having a good time without beating a path into your overdraft?
Obviously, what I’m doing isn’t for everyone. Some hens might prefer a day go-karting, or relaxing on the beach. Some might love a night out in their favourite haunt with their signature cocktail to hand. Spa days or weekends are great too (Wahanda do great deals on them if you’re looking for a bargain). But try to do something that’s all about spending time with your family and friends without spending a fortune.
What do you think about hen dos? Have you heard any horror stories?
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Emma, I couldn’t agree more. When I hear about Stag and Hen trends which run into hundreds for each attendee, I genuinely don’t get it. It costs enough to attend weddings these days, let alone a huge massive big fat hen.
I had afternoon tea with a collection of my friends and my family. It was ace. My mum organised a book of memories from my friends. Afterwards, me and my friends went to a bar where we had (a few) drinks, and my Mum took the family to a jazz style place. It was awesome, low cost and all my favourite people were in one place. Mr S went for a curry on his stag. Simples.
That sounds perfect! I love the book of memories idea too, and including friends and family.
I just found this blog post via @emma_cossey and it’s so true about hen-do’s being out of control. My future SIL isn’t talking to me at the mo as i cant afford her hen-do. I just got made redundant, and whilst it’s not until November, its in Frankfurt, £300 from the off + i guess £100 per day for one, and two, the wedding hotel is costing us £500 too!
But she thinks its cheap because she wanted it in NYC! Some people baffle me!
God that’s pricey, and how awful that she’s not more understanding! I’ve never really understood how anyone can think it’s ok to demand someone else pay that much.
Hen dos seem to show people’s true colours!
Oh man – this is a brilliant post. I am pretty opinionated when it comes to weddings – mainly I can’t understand why anyone in their right mind would spend a grand on a dress! Hen dos really gets me though – and my first issue with it is the segregation of men and women. I’ve had situations where my male friends get married and I get invited to the bride’s hen do….who I barely know! It just seems a little prehistoric that in this day and age we still split it by sex even though most people have a mixture of male and female friends. If a bride/groom doesn’t – then fine!
Living in Brighton, we often get to see the hoards of hen dos tottering down to the seafront and it is just ridiculous. The last hen I went to was pretty good – spa in the day but you weren’t expected to go, evening meal and out for drinks. It was fancy dress but I could handle that. What I couldn’t handle were the pink sashes. Eurgh. Do we really have to turn ourselves into walking cliches?
I’ve never thought about the segregation element, but you’ve got a great point! Perhaps they wouldn’t become so undignified if there was a good mix…
Yes Fran! Brighton is horrendous in the summer, we avoid town at all costs. Luckily the cackling ladies head straight from the train station, down West Street to the beach in front of Odeon so it’s usually quite easy to stay clear. They really do seem to bring out the worst in people, though. I think weddings in general do, sometimes – I know of someone whose step-mum wouldn’t go to his wedding because his bride-to-be didn’t make his step-sister a bridesmaid!
Can we boycott the pink sashes please? Great post, Emma!
I’m up for boycotting pink sashes. And penis hats.
And yes, they really do bring out the worst in people!
I completely agree Emma. It seems to be another ‘tradition’ that makes the cost of a wedding rise beyond reason.
Compare it to a Friends episode (as you know we can always do!) and you get the one where Monica’s promotion meal separates the friends who have money to spare and the friends who can’t afford to splash out: “I will have the…side salad”. I’d feel awful if my friends were put in a position where they either couldn’t come and enjoy time with me, or did go and felt they had to sacrifice something else and spent the weekend worrying about the cost.
Fran, I agree about the segregation too. Some friends recently had their ‘dos separately and then organised a ‘Hag Do’ to get everyone together in one group. If you share the same friends, it’s a cost-effective way of having a fun night out without making anyone feel awkward.
Ha, there really is a Friends moment for every occasion! And yes, I do think it’s awful. There’s a real feeling of guilt if you can’t afford anything.
I LOVE the idea of a Hag do.
As someone who has been to nine weddings this summer and thus a variety of hen dos and celebrations I dread to think how much I have spent. I don’t begrudge spending the money but do think that people get a little bit carried away and like you say, sometimes forget that not everyone has a money tree in the back garden. This summer I had to learn the art of saying no and have had to turn down two hens because the budget just wouldn’t stretch. I felt awful but I can’t bankrupt myself just to be there for friends.
If I ever get hitched (and that’s a big if) I’ll be going low key. Interestingly a friend got married this summer, his bride had a hen day in Bath, he and a load of friends went to Las Vegas. FOR TWO WEEKS!
Oh god, nine? And yes, I agree completely about not bankrupting for a hen do. I’m sure a lot of people would rather someone could afford to come to the wedding and not the hen do, then get themselves into financial trouble.
I could not agree more (also with you Fran – what is it with the separation!).
We were very lucky and our friends Carla & Struan organised a big scavenger hunt round London and put us in mixed teams Simon vs Me. If they hadn’t, I’d already decided that I didn’t want one. It’s not like I can’t have a girls night out ever again!
Don’t get me started on the expense, just ridiculous.
Thanks for the post Emma, brilliantly put
What a brilliant idea! Fun and not necessarily alcohol-related. I think that’s another point as well. Not everyone drinks. I very rarely do, and lots of people don’t for medical reasons, so it’s important to have a celebration that doesn’t alienate them.
LOVE this post! It’s such an awkward topic because of course we’re all incredibly happy for our friends – it really does go without saying I’d hope! – but the money is insane. I spent over £300 on a weekend in Liverpool for my friend’s one last year. Yes it was a blast, yes it made her happy, but did I have that to spare right before Christmas… not really. And if all my friends have ones which cost that much I won’t be able to go, which would be as gutting for me as for them. I’ve always half joked that mine (if I ever get a man) would be in Ibiza… it only because that’s my idea of perfection. In reality I’d only do it if I could pay for others, and am fully aware half the people would hate it so it’s very unlikely!
Also, as the resident single girl I feel I should fight the corner for we non-engageds… much as I am happy to be a part of it, there’s a good chance I won’t get married – so where’s my fun weekend abroad?! I’ll be spending thousands over the years on hen dos for all my loved up mates, and I don’t begrudge them that as it’s always good fun and I genuinely want to give them a good ‘send off’, but it’s kind of a kick in the stomach each time that you go on one that you might never have the favour returned. I always tut at the SATC episode where Carrie ‘marries herself’ in order to get her lost shoes back, but she kinda had a point…
*proposes to self*
I think it’s particularly hard for those who are single, because other people assume if you can’t go, it’s sour grapes. Whereas if an attached person can’t go, it’s assumed they’re busy/have other costs. Which is completely unfair!
And yes, it is unfair that couples get to celebrate something and roll out a gift list. I quite like the idea of Carrie’s marrying herself concept. She should have introduced a gift list filled with even more shoes – but maybe just for those who have had pricey gift lists at their own weddings!